motivation issues

I've been on plan every day for the past several days without a post, but it has been more of a challenge than previously. Last night was particularly difficult. I just didn't really want to go out to the gym, and I really really wanted to binge. To be honest, I'm not 100% sure why it was that I ended up going to the gym and staying well under on points for the day.

Some days its fairly simple. I feel excited about my goals, about how well I'm advancing towards them, about looking forward to surprising people who hadn't seen me in a while. Then, just in the past week or so, I've been having an increasing feeling of "who cares."

These are the kinds of things going through my mind :

Is it really going to matter in the long run? Am I shy and isolated and unpopular because I'm fat, or am I fat because that gives me an excuse to be shy and isolated and unpopular? How much will this really change my life? And its probebly too late to signficantly improve my health, isn't it? I mean, you can't be more than 150 lbs overweight for 28 years, and then get down to a healthy weight and not expect to develop diabetes and have a heart attack at 35, can you? And will I even look any better, my skin certainly isn't going to just fall back into place as I lose the weight, the elastic has been well and truly sprung by this point. Do I really want to have to consider having plastic surgery after all this hard work is done? And Liz even thinks I may have to consider liposuction towards the end to get the last 50 lbs zapped!

I'm proud of the fact that despite these barbs of internal sabotage, I stayed on plan yesterday. And I plan to again today, and tomorrow.

One thing I obviously haven't been doing as much the last couple of days is writing here or commenting on other blogs. That goes back to the lack of excitement I'm feeling. And its even something of a chicken and egg problem. I will make a conscious effort to post on the blog every day this week, and spend a little more time reading other blogs, and hopefully find that emotional commitment again.

Part of the difficulty last night is that Liz is out of town until Wednesday evening, and I had to be at work super early yesterday. So I was starving by the time I had lunch at two, and just wanted to spend the rest of the day eating, the way I probably would have done if this were a year ago and Liz were out of town. I decided to distract myself by a ride to Columbus and a trip to whole foods to find if they had any no HFCS/trans fat pretzels without added salt. They didn't, but I did get a couple of other things which seemed interesting and a few things we've had before but have used up, so the trip wasn't completely wasted. And it did get me out of the house and a bit out of my funk, so that was good.

Thursday and Friday will be a little different, because I'm going to my twice annual retreat for work. Which means 1) staying at a park lodge with no workout room that I've found yet, and therefore no treadmill Friday morning. 2) Thursday night exercise will be dancing (we have a DJ), if I can get up the nerve to do it. Conveniently Thursday is a leg day this week anyway. I may slip out and try to go walk one of the trails Thursday between dinner and the party too. 3) Friday we get done at noon, so I should still be able to get back to the gym Friday evening, and even if I don't I can do a home version of the upper body workout. 4) Meals will be a real challenge, as Thursday lunch is always hamburgers and hotdogs and potato salad, and dinner is never much better.


One bright note, I wore a suit yesterday that eight weeks ago had been my emergency backup for when my primary suit was too dirty or wrinkled to wear, but it didn't really fit me. I basically couldn't button the jacket without the button threating to pop off. Anyway, it fit me beautifully yesterday, the pants were even a size too large I think. So that was a good thing.

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Update: 8:50 pm


Anyway, just writing this has cheered me up quite a bit (see, not writing in my blog really was was part of the problem more than it was a symptom). I had to write it on paper for a change, as my house had no power this morning. I typed it in here this evening, but backdated it to when I actually wrote it earlier today.

Today went a good deal better, motivation wise. Today was my 7th day in a row on plan. Half way to setting a new record for myself.

I realized I didn't do a midweek weigh in this week, but I'm just not going to worry about it since week 8 ends in 36 hours. But I think I will be pleased with the results for the week.

Thank you to everyone who has left comments or sent me e-mails. Your support is a big part of what keeps this blog, and my efforts at rebirth, going strong.