it never ends, does it?

Be forewarned, I'm in somewhat of a self-pity/bitchy mood, so this will be more of an chance to vent some frustration than any intelligent discourse.

I imagine a day, somewhere in the future, when I don't have self destructive compulsions. When I don't want to go out and buy more food than an average family should eat in a week and sit in front of the tv for hours just stuffing myself to the point of being sick. That day certainly has not arrived.

Today I had the strongest craving for Kroger's baked chicken, with the skin and the oh so salty seasoning. I barely know how to describe it. If you've felt such a craving, you already know, if you haven't, you don't and you're lucky. I felt as if I needed something high in fat and salt like I need air. Like a piece of me went missing. Deciding to resist caused me literally to break out into a sweat and my hands to shake. I started to feel ill, like I was going to pass out if I didn't just stop and indulge. I even broke down enough to stop and walk into the store, and just stood there staring at the display. And then I turned around, bought an apple and a bottle of water, and headed back for my car.

In a way this was a victory of sorts, but it feels like the most abject of defeats. After nine weeks of working so hard, of making such good progress, and there I was begging myself just to throw it all away. Just to take what I wanted now, tomorrow be damned. And Liz be damned and my friends be damned and my very life be damned, just so I could have that taste again. Just so I could have for five minutes that sensation of pure taste and abandon. I hate that part of me.

And it hates me back. Its the part of me that wants me to fail. To never take risks, to never draw attention to myself, to never speak to anyone or be with anyone. The part of me that tells me to just stay in bed and be alone forever.

And a horrible thought hit me today, and I can't help but think that its right. I don't think it will ever go away, this craving. I can suppress it. I can deny it. I can block it with healthy foods and water. But it will always be a part of me. I will never be like Liz or Tim or any of my other healthy friends who can allow themselves to do whatever they want as far as food is concerned. And it isn't because they have more willpower or higher metabolisms, its because they simply don't want what I want. Liz would be disgusted to even imagine eating a quarter of some of the meals that I now remember with a mixture of horror and fond longing. If your worst craving is for an occasional can of mountain dew or a icecream cone, guess what, you can have the ice cream cone and the mountain dew. You could even give in to the temptation to have both in a single day. You can even basically replace water in your diet with mountain dew if you want (and he knows who I'm talking about). And it won't matter.

I figured out that a box of that baked chicken that I loved so much, that would work out to over 35 points. More than a days worth of calories, beyond a week's worth of saturated fat. And there have been times when that was just the main course of a single meal. I've gone entire weeks without a single vegetable other than the lettuce that comes on hamburgers. That is who I am. That is how I got to be as I am now.

Am I changed? Or am I just lying to myself?

Will I ever be able to come across this entry in my archives and say, "man, I haven't felt a craving like that in weeks?" Months? Or will it always be a daily struggle for me? Can you really change who you are?


As an attorney, I have to attend a training every other year on "substance abuse." This is because attorneys are like five times as likely as non-attorneys to be alcoholics or become drug users. [This isn't the real stat, just made up to make the point... but there are a lot of alcoholic attorneys out there.] The criteria for what constitutes SA training is fairly broad. Usually it is geared towards either identifying drinking problems in people around you or how to get someone help or how to get help for yourself.

I have attended three of these sessions now. Once in lawschool, and two after lawschool. [heck, thinking back on it, I was sitting next to someone who reads this blog during the one in lawschool ;)]. I have never made it through one of these trainings yet with dry eyes. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't mind admitting that I have extremely overactive tear ducts for a guy... I cry every single time I watch "Wonderful Life." So the fact that I get teary eyed doesn't necessarily mean all that much.

In lawschool, it was during that lecture that I had the moment when I first admitted to myself that I had a real problem with food and with my weight. That started me off on my first real attempt at life style change. And I lost like 40 lbs, but gained it all back with interest. As it happens, my friend who was sitting next to me that day is also the same person who came out of nowhere and somehow convinced me to get back on the wagon this fall. I have moments when I seriously wonder if she isn't an angel of some sort.

The most recent one of these was about a week ago now at Programwide. It was planned by a wonderful woman who happens to be married to one of my bosses. She is a counselor of some sort for people with drug/alcohol issues. According to her talk, studies have found a brainwave pattern in alcoholics which is not found in non alcoholics. This wave is either balanced or canceled, or something, by the ingestion of alcohol. And here's the kicker. This brainwave is considered to be a medical basis for the insistence by many alcoholics that they only feel "normal" when they are drunk. That without alcohol they just don't feel right in some vague sort of way. And further research has suggested that such a thing exists for other addictions as well.

This hit me like a ton of bricks. Months or maybe even years ago, Liz asked me why I eat the way I do, why I enjoy food so much. And the best answer I could come up with wasn't that food makes me feel good. I don't feel a high from really rich chocolate or particularly yummy dessert, or a fat and salt infused chicken breast. No, I eat those things because I feel normal when I eat them. Like without them something just isn't right with the world.

So no, I doubt I will ever be so good, so faithful, so hardworking in this new lifestyle that I don't have the occasional overwhelming urge to chuck it all overboard and go on a bender. My only hope is that with the help of Liz and my friends I can get past the hard parts. And that when I do slip up, I will be able to find my feet again.