I got a wake up call this morning from an unusual source... my credit card company. Aparantly my card got cloned or copied or something, because someone has been making charges that I know weren't either me or Liz. Fortunately the card company recognized the odd behavior and contacted me to confirm it (a lot of really big purchases at gas stations i've never used, is how I think they caught it).
Anyway, this led me to checking out both my cards for fraudulent transactions. And while the other card appears to be safe, I found myself forced to face my own bad behavior over the past month or so. So many fast food and other restaurants that I've just convinced myself - it's ok, you're having a rotten day, you deserve to be pampered. Its disgusting. No wonder I've put on so much weight. Why my clothes don't fit any more the way they did at the high point of this blog. Why am I still in denial about this??
And, in the off chance anybody still checks in here... I know i've promised time and time again "ok, this is it, I'm starting over today." So I won't waste my type.
I don't know what to think. Am I just a lost cause? Am I really this pathetic little boy who can't control his urges? Who wastes the money I don't have buying food I don't really want and really really don't need just because it is convenient or because I can get away with it? Don't I owe it to Liz and to my unborn child to spend the money on things that matter instead? To eat healthy options that I make at home which are more satisfying in the long term?
Is this finally rock bottom, or will I sink even lower? I want to bounce back, but sometimes wanting isn't enough.
I did make one small good step today.... I cleaned out the fridge of all the expired yogurt and lettuce and vegetables that I let rot, so now I can find the acutal food, so I have one fewer reason to cheat.
The other thing i've been doing well the past week or so is exercising, but really only because my housework has required it. Basically I'm creating a garden out of a stretch of the back yard that was a mix of grass and weeds, and I'm pulling up the weeds using a hand tool, so I really work up quite a sweat. And it feels good, which is surprising to me. I've never gotten a workout "high" before, but something about yard work is just fun.
The cynic in me says don't hold your breath, but I really will try to be back tomorrow.
This is a public diary and a public confession. Its the story of Mike Gibbons-Camp, a 30 year old legal aid attorney who on August 23, 2007 weighed in at 392.8 lbs. Thanks to the constant support of my wife, Liz, and a kick in the pants by a good friend who I hadn't talked to for a while, I finally decided that enough was enough. But instead of quietly suffering with my weight, I started my blog, "New Me?"
I did really well for 10 weeks, then it completely fell apart. I was in denial for a long time, thinking I was just slipping up a bit, making a mistake here or there. But the reality was that I had failed.
Since then i've tried just about everything I could to get back on the wagon. And i've done well for a week here, a week there, but nothing lasting. So I don't know what to tell a new reader to my blog, but "welcome, and wish me luck."
I did really well for 10 weeks, then it completely fell apart. I was in denial for a long time, thinking I was just slipping up a bit, making a mistake here or there. But the reality was that I had failed.
Since then i've tried just about everything I could to get back on the wagon. And i've done well for a week here, a week there, but nothing lasting. So I don't know what to tell a new reader to my blog, but "welcome, and wish me luck."
6 comments:
It's very difficult when you start but it does get easier.
What worked for me was just a global ban on fast food.
If I am going to eat something unhealthy it has to be of high quality and small.
Ok, perhaps it's time to implement what Liz (?) suggested before-- start posting the worst thing you eat each day. Less repetitive than posting everything, but enough to have some accountability.
Just keep on keepin' on, it's all you can do! It's a journey, and lord knows we all struggle! Just keep getting back on the horse!
I like the idea of posting the worst thing (or quantity) you ate every day. I think I may try that myself.
Mike I've come to the realization that in order to win this I just need to make excellent choices 90% of the time and allow 10% for those other incidentals. But you have to be honest with yourself about that 10%.
See, we haven't forgotten about you, maybe you should start thinking as highly of yourself as we think of you (WOW, did I just pull out the ghost of my dead Italian guilt tripping Mom for that one or what??) Seriously Mike, you are worth this, get going on this healthy path now and your baby won't ever remember that daddy was once fat!
Speed and convenience have become a bane to good health. I think food is better when it's slow- prepared slowly and eaten slowly. Good going on the garden thing. The combination of effort and reward has become the central theme of my life. Best wishes!
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