I've been trying to write this entry for days. And I haven't come up with anything that seems appropriate. That seems anything other than whinny. And truth is, that's kind of how I feel.
Right now I have so much on my mind. Nothing is going quite right, and most of it is my own stupid fault, one way or another.
Limiting my self-pity to terms relevant to this blog.... I feel like an absolute failure. Yeah, I could put a softer spin on it, but it'd be at least half a lie. Some days only the guilt of needing to post something on the blog is the only thing that keeps me even thinking of my plans. My oh so perfect idealism of a few months ago. I go to bed every night convinced I'm back on path, that tomorrow will be the day. And some days I'm actually on plan. But then it all falls apart again.
To be fair, when I'm off plan, I'm nowhere as atrocious to myself as I was before this blog. I have somewhat better instincts now. But I'm not making progress. I'm not making myself proud, I'm not improving. I'm falling farther and farther and farther behind.
So am I wasting my time? I don't think so. I won't give up completely. I won't. I just have to keep trying.
One of these days, I have to do it right.
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11 comments:
Hi Mike, I appreciate that that must have been a very difficult post to write. I get it perfectly. I've been there so many times before. I don't even think I have any advice to give, but I'm going to try anyway.
When you're in that place, there's a sense of desperation and a ton of self-loathing. This steals your power.
What you did last year was amazing. I have done it too. And stopped. I started this year at my all time highest weight of 345 lb. And I finally got real with myself. I realized that I'm the turtle in that Disney story, not the hare. I had to let go of my ideas of tripping the light fantastic every time I got on the scale. Of being the darling of weight loss blogging. I was going to be the sod who worked hard year in and year, losing slowly but steadily until all the weight is gone. No more all-or-nothing approach.
The way I implemented this was by setting only two goals for the first week - walking on the treadmill for 20 minutes 6 days of the week and eating one fruit meal per day. The second week I added a water requirement. The third week I added nothing, because I hadn't done too well with those three things the week before. I only add a new good habit once I have the other habits going. Now I'm working out 60-90 minutes 6 times per week, drinking plenty of water and eating plenty of fruit. Time for one or two new habits..., like replacing coffee with herbal or green tea, etc.
The beauty of this approach is that you don't feel deprived. You are not giving up things, you are implementing good habits. And the good habits start crowding out the bad habits. So what if you lose slowly in the beginning? That thing that moves the space shuttle literally crawls, but it gets a very huge, heavy vehicle where it's meant to be! I've hardly lost anything yet, but I know that I'll gain momentum as I have more good habits in place. So what if it takes me 3 or even 5 years to lose the weight. Every month I'll be healthier than the previous month and every year I'll be thinner than the previous year. That makes it worth it for me.
I hope this helps. Be kind to yourself!
What Hanlie said! Right on Hanlie. Slowly does it.
Dear Mike, sorry for not having been round to your blog in a while. Me too have not been 'in the zone' for.. oh 2 months! But I am now, and I simply know that you will too, because you have the tools and the knowledge, you know what to do.
It's easy to be overwhelmed by the sheer volume of weight we have to lose. So try not to focus on that. One day/week at a time, one challenge at a time for me. If I try to do it all at once, change everything, work out like a mad woman.. I will give up. I will find it so exhausting and too much struggle.
Anyway, i'm rambling. All this to say that we will be right here, cheering you on, supporting you and wishing you well.
Keep trying!
I'm frustrated too but, I think it's important that we don't give up. We are to important to give up on! So keep trying!! :D ((hugs))
As a very wise man once said, "It is south; it has no choice." Oh wait, I mean, "What one man can do, another can do." What Past Mike has done, you can do, too.
Perhaps it's finally time to make use of monotony-- e.g., posting every meal (for increased accountability/peer pressure, and in order to simply have something to post every day).
Look back over what you just said, and you'll find the big win of the I don't know how long. "I have somewhat better instincts now." That is huge! That's really the whole point of all of this as far as I can see. You've been discovering over the past several months that some of the healthy foods you had previously decided you didn't like are actually good. You just have to work on the habit to reach for them first, even if the Burger King drive through is in sight, and they are not.
I can see why you hesitate to do what Tim has suggested, and post everything you eat every day. Maybe an alternative would be to post the best food choice you made, and the worst food choice you made for each day. That way, you're putting that drive through trip on the blog, but you're also putting out there the day that you went on home and had some lentils with hummus and veggies. Writing down the healthy option you took would help you think of it more readily in the future. And knowing that you would have to post the stop at DQ might make you think twice about it.
I'm very proud of all you've done. Just don't give up on yourself.
NEVER give up! No matter how you feel about your situation and yourself you are ALWAYS WORTH IT!
The turtle didnt win the race because he was the fastest remember! He was the most persistant!
Just keep at it! You will find your way.
*huggles*
=0)
I second everything Liz said-- the development of those instincts is a huge long-term win, and the daily posting of notably good/bad choices could be a solid idea. (Perhaps you could add more frequent updates re: your exercise successes as well.)
Mike it takes a long time to make new habits that stick. Do you think you could have tried to change too much too fast? Why not focus just on eating a healthy breakfast for the next two weeks or whatever it takes to make it a healthy habit. Then you can move on to something else.
You have made progress. You know that giving up completely isn't the answer. I don't think you know what to write because what you will write isn't perfect. This isn't about being perfect, its about being human and overcoming those habits that got us overweight in the first place. I believe in you!
I took last week off and was feeling some of the same things you were. You've had too much success to not get back on it though, you can do it@!
I just found your blog so I don't know your history. But I DO know about feeling discouraged. But feeling discouraged is not failure. Recognizing that you didn't do your best in a particular week is simple self-assessing or information gathering basically. And this time it did not meet your expectation (and you realize this which is a huge hurdle) - so now you have a choice...continue or make a change. You can start new each day. Don't let a bad week guide you off course. Don't let that drive you in the wrong direction. Take a hold of those reigns and begin again.
Instead of dwelling on how bad you did, dwell on your goals. Perhaps write them out on a sheet of paper and read them every day when you get up. This isn't about "positive thinking" but rather focusing on your reward which may renew your enthusiasm. Make your weight goals smaller perhaps - if you need to lose 200 lbs, you may think to yourself that that's a HUGE amount and it seems unattainable. Instead, make smaller goals for yourself say "x" amount after 3 months. Don't look at the big picture, but the smaller one. (if you've already done this, please forgive me - as I said I just found this blog)
If you ever want to talk, get in touch with me on my blog and we'll exchange emails.
http://thequeensizecommentary.blogspot.com/
Wow, reading your blog entry and the extreemly supportive comments from the random strangers who are reading it is amazing. I dont really have anything to add to what has already been said, but I just wanted to say... hang in there and good luck! :)
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