A couple of months ago, I said that I was in the honeymoon phase of my diet. I was just so excited about all the progress I was making, and found the changes I had made so simple and obvious that I couldn't even imagine a time when I would find it difficult.
Yeah, so that's not the case any more.
Now I'm to the most dangerous point of an attempt at a lifestyle change. I haven't been doing this long enough that it is natural to me, but long enough that I'm bored with it. Plus I have reached the point where I can't rely on having spectacular progress reports to cheer me up every half a week. I will get through this. I just need to square my shoulders and work my way through.
The Abs Diet warns you to explain to loved ones that when you restrict calories and get into an exercise routine you will likely experience random mood swings for a while. When I was on the abs diet approach in 2005, I did experience that. This time I thought I had avoided the problem, because I was just so upbeat for the first several weeks. But this past week I've been all over the place. I've been really depressed for no reason, I've been optimistic, I've been angry and discouraged. I think the excitement of losing weight so quickly this time blocked the emotional impact of the restricted diet and now that's wearing off.
Or maybe its completely unrelated, who knows.
Anyway, here's hoping that another 10 weeks finds me to the point where all of this comes more naturally, and has become a habit rather than an effort.
On the bright side, I jogged 1.1 miles yesterday, averaging 4.6 miles/hour. If I get in at least .8 miles today I'll make 25 miles total walked or jogged for the month. No idea if I'll be able to keep up the pace next month since I'm limited to the treadmills/track at the gym, and since November is a day shorter, but I'll give it my best shot.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Monday, October 29, 2007
mid week number 10
So I've officially hit my first plateau. The 330's are out to get me!
So we'll turn to other measurements for some positive news. When I went out to find a scale that would be high enough capacity to use for me, I also spent a few extra bucks and got one that does fat percentage. I haven't really paid attention to that so much yet, but have made note of it every now and again. Today I realized that using that, I could get a rough idea of how many pounds I've lost that were fat pounds and how many were lean/water pounds.
Anyway, I'm quite pleased to learn that of my 55.4 lbs weight loss... approximately 60 lbs were fat. So whatever water weight I've lost has been regained in extra lean mass, plus another 4.6 lbs for good measure.
This is a fairly big relief for me. While I enjoyed losing the first fifty pounds in only 8 weeks, I was always a little concerned that I was doing something wrong, and would end up losing muscle instead of fat. Apparently that isn't the case. I'm hoping that as I work my way through this wall I've hit I will be able to report fat pounds lost even if I can't report over all progress.
I do have a new roadblock/challenge in my way, though. My treadmill has decided to take a vacation. I can get it to turn on, and to claim to be going through the calibration sequence, but the belt just won't move at all. So I ended up getting no formal exercise yesterday (we did go shopping so I got a little bit of a walk in), and this morning I left the house at quarter past five to go to the gym and use one of their treadmills.
I am going to call tech support today at lunch to see if there's anything I can do. Unfortunately replacing the treadmill just isn't feasible at the moment, so I may be going without for a while. Hopefully I can get into the habit of getting over to the Y before work, but it does make for an awfully early morning.
Current weight: 337.4
Loss this week: .6 lbs
Total Loss: 55.4 lbs
So we'll turn to other measurements for some positive news. When I went out to find a scale that would be high enough capacity to use for me, I also spent a few extra bucks and got one that does fat percentage. I haven't really paid attention to that so much yet, but have made note of it every now and again. Today I realized that using that, I could get a rough idea of how many pounds I've lost that were fat pounds and how many were lean/water pounds.
Anyway, I'm quite pleased to learn that of my 55.4 lbs weight loss... approximately 60 lbs were fat. So whatever water weight I've lost has been regained in extra lean mass, plus another 4.6 lbs for good measure.
This is a fairly big relief for me. While I enjoyed losing the first fifty pounds in only 8 weeks, I was always a little concerned that I was doing something wrong, and would end up losing muscle instead of fat. Apparently that isn't the case. I'm hoping that as I work my way through this wall I've hit I will be able to report fat pounds lost even if I can't report over all progress.
I do have a new roadblock/challenge in my way, though. My treadmill has decided to take a vacation. I can get it to turn on, and to claim to be going through the calibration sequence, but the belt just won't move at all. So I ended up getting no formal exercise yesterday (we did go shopping so I got a little bit of a walk in), and this morning I left the house at quarter past five to go to the gym and use one of their treadmills.
I am going to call tech support today at lunch to see if there's anything I can do. Unfortunately replacing the treadmill just isn't feasible at the moment, so I may be going without for a while. Hopefully I can get into the habit of getting over to the Y before work, but it does make for an awfully early morning.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
a much better day.
So today was a much easier day. In part because my mood has lifted considerably. I had a good weigh in this morning (better than I dared hoped to be honest). I had a good workout at the gym tonight. Tomorrow I'll pass the 2o mile mark for the month, and it is the last day before a weekend. And best of all I went the whole day without wanting to go out and spoil my diet plan. While cravings like yesterday are not the norm, it has been a few weeks since I've really found staying on plan so appealing as I did today.
And of course blogging helped, and I got some really supportive and hopeful comments and e-mails. I'm feeling recommitted and reinvested, and ready to face the coming weeks and months.
And now for something completely different....
Teale asked me to give an explanation of programwide.
Programwide is a 36 hour retreat which I attend twice a year. All of SEOLS (Southeastern Ohio Legal Services, which is a legal aid program serving the 33 counties roughly south of Columbus and east of I-71) attorneys, paralegals, and support staff are required to attend. We have meetings about the state of the program, funding issues, and what each office (we have 8) is doing these days. About 2/3 of the business hours part of the retreat is spent on various trainings, including sessions which count towards continuing legal education (CLE) credits, such as the session on substance abuse. After dinner we are free for the evening, and generally hire a DJ and a bartender, that sort of thing.
In case anybody is curious and doesn't already know... I've been a legal aid attorney with SEOLS for two years now. Legal aid is essentially public defenders for civil matters. We provide direct representation to clients facing problems with eviction, foreclosure, consumer (debt collection, car sales/repairs, fraud, etc), public benefits (welfare, foodstamps, social security, medicaid, etc), and family law (divorce, custody, etc). We handle basically any kind of case unless it is criminal law or if the client would be able to get an attorney without our help (either court appointed or via a contingency fee agreement). We are only able to assist the very poor (under 125% of federal poverty guidelines, and don't get me started on how absurdly low the guidelines are), or the elderly (over 65), and we never charge our clients for our services. Federal law puts significant limitations on what we can and can't do, most significantly we are not allowed to bring a class action suit, and we are not allowed to ask that the opposing party pay us attorneys fees as part of a judgment or settlement. I work in Chillicothe, Ohio, which serves Ross, Pickaway, Jackson, Pike, and Fayette Counties.
Anyway, this has gotten far enough off topic for one entry :) But hopefully now if I mention something about work you'll have some context.
And of course blogging helped, and I got some really supportive and hopeful comments and e-mails. I'm feeling recommitted and reinvested, and ready to face the coming weeks and months.
And now for something completely different....
Teale asked me to give an explanation of programwide.
Programwide is a 36 hour retreat which I attend twice a year. All of SEOLS (Southeastern Ohio Legal Services, which is a legal aid program serving the 33 counties roughly south of Columbus and east of I-71) attorneys, paralegals, and support staff are required to attend. We have meetings about the state of the program, funding issues, and what each office (we have 8) is doing these days. About 2/3 of the business hours part of the retreat is spent on various trainings, including sessions which count towards continuing legal education (CLE) credits, such as the session on substance abuse. After dinner we are free for the evening, and generally hire a DJ and a bartender, that sort of thing.
In case anybody is curious and doesn't already know... I've been a legal aid attorney with SEOLS for two years now. Legal aid is essentially public defenders for civil matters. We provide direct representation to clients facing problems with eviction, foreclosure, consumer (debt collection, car sales/repairs, fraud, etc), public benefits (welfare, foodstamps, social security, medicaid, etc), and family law (divorce, custody, etc). We handle basically any kind of case unless it is criminal law or if the client would be able to get an attorney without our help (either court appointed or via a contingency fee agreement). We are only able to assist the very poor (under 125% of federal poverty guidelines, and don't get me started on how absurdly low the guidelines are), or the elderly (over 65), and we never charge our clients for our services. Federal law puts significant limitations on what we can and can't do, most significantly we are not allowed to bring a class action suit, and we are not allowed to ask that the opposing party pay us attorneys fees as part of a judgment or settlement. I work in Chillicothe, Ohio, which serves Ross, Pickaway, Jackson, Pike, and Fayette Counties.
Anyway, this has gotten far enough off topic for one entry :) But hopefully now if I mention something about work you'll have some context.
Nine weeks down
As I expected, I did not have the most stellar of weeks, though nothing I can complain about. I'm starting to get to the point where I have to expect to slow down even further, probably approaching 2 lbs a week or so. Damn physics =)
Which is really not bad considering I took three days which were kinda half on plan half off at the beginning of this week. But even the second half of the week where I was completely on plan was a little slower than I'd grown accustomed to. I may hit another good burst of quick loss in the future, but realistically I'd say the days of losing nearly a full pound every day are gone.
Current Weight: 338.0
Weight loss this week: 3.8 lbs
Total for 9 weeks: 54.8 lbs
Percentage of End Obesity: 33.05 %
Which is really not bad considering I took three days which were kinda half on plan half off at the beginning of this week. But even the second half of the week where I was completely on plan was a little slower than I'd grown accustomed to. I may hit another good burst of quick loss in the future, but realistically I'd say the days of losing nearly a full pound every day are gone.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
it never ends, does it?
Be forewarned, I'm in somewhat of a self-pity/bitchy mood, so this will be more of an chance to vent some frustration than any intelligent discourse.
I imagine a day, somewhere in the future, when I don't have self destructive compulsions. When I don't want to go out and buy more food than an average family should eat in a week and sit in front of the tv for hours just stuffing myself to the point of being sick. That day certainly has not arrived.
Today I had the strongest craving for Kroger's baked chicken, with the skin and the oh so salty seasoning. I barely know how to describe it. If you've felt such a craving, you already know, if you haven't, you don't and you're lucky. I felt as if I needed something high in fat and salt like I need air. Like a piece of me went missing. Deciding to resist caused me literally to break out into a sweat and my hands to shake. I started to feel ill, like I was going to pass out if I didn't just stop and indulge. I even broke down enough to stop and walk into the store, and just stood there staring at the display. And then I turned around, bought an apple and a bottle of water, and headed back for my car.
In a way this was a victory of sorts, but it feels like the most abject of defeats. After nine weeks of working so hard, of making such good progress, and there I was begging myself just to throw it all away. Just to take what I wanted now, tomorrow be damned. And Liz be damned and my friends be damned and my very life be damned, just so I could have that taste again. Just so I could have for five minutes that sensation of pure taste and abandon. I hate that part of me.
And it hates me back. Its the part of me that wants me to fail. To never take risks, to never draw attention to myself, to never speak to anyone or be with anyone. The part of me that tells me to just stay in bed and be alone forever.
And a horrible thought hit me today, and I can't help but think that its right. I don't think it will ever go away, this craving. I can suppress it. I can deny it. I can block it with healthy foods and water. But it will always be a part of me. I will never be like Liz or Tim or any of my other healthy friends who can allow themselves to do whatever they want as far as food is concerned. And it isn't because they have more willpower or higher metabolisms, its because they simply don't want what I want. Liz would be disgusted to even imagine eating a quarter of some of the meals that I now remember with a mixture of horror and fond longing. If your worst craving is for an occasional can of mountain dew or a icecream cone, guess what, you can have the ice cream cone and the mountain dew. You could even give in to the temptation to have both in a single day. You can even basically replace water in your diet with mountain dew if you want (and he knows who I'm talking about). And it won't matter.
I figured out that a box of that baked chicken that I loved so much, that would work out to over 35 points. More than a days worth of calories, beyond a week's worth of saturated fat. And there have been times when that was just the main course of a single meal. I've gone entire weeks without a single vegetable other than the lettuce that comes on hamburgers. That is who I am. That is how I got to be as I am now.
Am I changed? Or am I just lying to myself?
Will I ever be able to come across this entry in my archives and say, "man, I haven't felt a craving like that in weeks?" Months? Or will it always be a daily struggle for me? Can you really change who you are?
As an attorney, I have to attend a training every other year on "substance abuse." This is because attorneys are like five times as likely as non-attorneys to be alcoholics or become drug users. [This isn't the real stat, just made up to make the point... but there are a lot of alcoholic attorneys out there.] The criteria for what constitutes SA training is fairly broad. Usually it is geared towards either identifying drinking problems in people around you or how to get someone help or how to get help for yourself.
I have attended three of these sessions now. Once in lawschool, and two after lawschool. [heck, thinking back on it, I was sitting next to someone who reads this blog during the one in lawschool ;)]. I have never made it through one of these trainings yet with dry eyes. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't mind admitting that I have extremely overactive tear ducts for a guy... I cry every single time I watch "Wonderful Life." So the fact that I get teary eyed doesn't necessarily mean all that much.
In lawschool, it was during that lecture that I had the moment when I first admitted to myself that I had a real problem with food and with my weight. That started me off on my first real attempt at life style change. And I lost like 40 lbs, but gained it all back with interest. As it happens, my friend who was sitting next to me that day is also the same person who came out of nowhere and somehow convinced me to get back on the wagon this fall. I have moments when I seriously wonder if she isn't an angel of some sort.
The most recent one of these was about a week ago now at Programwide. It was planned by a wonderful woman who happens to be married to one of my bosses. She is a counselor of some sort for people with drug/alcohol issues. According to her talk, studies have found a brainwave pattern in alcoholics which is not found in non alcoholics. This wave is either balanced or canceled, or something, by the ingestion of alcohol. And here's the kicker. This brainwave is considered to be a medical basis for the insistence by many alcoholics that they only feel "normal" when they are drunk. That without alcohol they just don't feel right in some vague sort of way. And further research has suggested that such a thing exists for other addictions as well.
This hit me like a ton of bricks. Months or maybe even years ago, Liz asked me why I eat the way I do, why I enjoy food so much. And the best answer I could come up with wasn't that food makes me feel good. I don't feel a high from really rich chocolate or particularly yummy dessert, or a fat and salt infused chicken breast. No, I eat those things because I feel normal when I eat them. Like without them something just isn't right with the world.
So no, I doubt I will ever be so good, so faithful, so hardworking in this new lifestyle that I don't have the occasional overwhelming urge to chuck it all overboard and go on a bender. My only hope is that with the help of Liz and my friends I can get past the hard parts. And that when I do slip up, I will be able to find my feet again.
I imagine a day, somewhere in the future, when I don't have self destructive compulsions. When I don't want to go out and buy more food than an average family should eat in a week and sit in front of the tv for hours just stuffing myself to the point of being sick. That day certainly has not arrived.
Today I had the strongest craving for Kroger's baked chicken, with the skin and the oh so salty seasoning. I barely know how to describe it. If you've felt such a craving, you already know, if you haven't, you don't and you're lucky. I felt as if I needed something high in fat and salt like I need air. Like a piece of me went missing. Deciding to resist caused me literally to break out into a sweat and my hands to shake. I started to feel ill, like I was going to pass out if I didn't just stop and indulge. I even broke down enough to stop and walk into the store, and just stood there staring at the display. And then I turned around, bought an apple and a bottle of water, and headed back for my car.
In a way this was a victory of sorts, but it feels like the most abject of defeats. After nine weeks of working so hard, of making such good progress, and there I was begging myself just to throw it all away. Just to take what I wanted now, tomorrow be damned. And Liz be damned and my friends be damned and my very life be damned, just so I could have that taste again. Just so I could have for five minutes that sensation of pure taste and abandon. I hate that part of me.
And it hates me back. Its the part of me that wants me to fail. To never take risks, to never draw attention to myself, to never speak to anyone or be with anyone. The part of me that tells me to just stay in bed and be alone forever.
And a horrible thought hit me today, and I can't help but think that its right. I don't think it will ever go away, this craving. I can suppress it. I can deny it. I can block it with healthy foods and water. But it will always be a part of me. I will never be like Liz or Tim or any of my other healthy friends who can allow themselves to do whatever they want as far as food is concerned. And it isn't because they have more willpower or higher metabolisms, its because they simply don't want what I want. Liz would be disgusted to even imagine eating a quarter of some of the meals that I now remember with a mixture of horror and fond longing. If your worst craving is for an occasional can of mountain dew or a icecream cone, guess what, you can have the ice cream cone and the mountain dew. You could even give in to the temptation to have both in a single day. You can even basically replace water in your diet with mountain dew if you want (and he knows who I'm talking about). And it won't matter.
I figured out that a box of that baked chicken that I loved so much, that would work out to over 35 points. More than a days worth of calories, beyond a week's worth of saturated fat. And there have been times when that was just the main course of a single meal. I've gone entire weeks without a single vegetable other than the lettuce that comes on hamburgers. That is who I am. That is how I got to be as I am now.
Am I changed? Or am I just lying to myself?
Will I ever be able to come across this entry in my archives and say, "man, I haven't felt a craving like that in weeks?" Months? Or will it always be a daily struggle for me? Can you really change who you are?
As an attorney, I have to attend a training every other year on "substance abuse." This is because attorneys are like five times as likely as non-attorneys to be alcoholics or become drug users. [This isn't the real stat, just made up to make the point... but there are a lot of alcoholic attorneys out there.] The criteria for what constitutes SA training is fairly broad. Usually it is geared towards either identifying drinking problems in people around you or how to get someone help or how to get help for yourself.
I have attended three of these sessions now. Once in lawschool, and two after lawschool. [heck, thinking back on it, I was sitting next to someone who reads this blog during the one in lawschool ;)]. I have never made it through one of these trainings yet with dry eyes. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't mind admitting that I have extremely overactive tear ducts for a guy... I cry every single time I watch "Wonderful Life." So the fact that I get teary eyed doesn't necessarily mean all that much.
In lawschool, it was during that lecture that I had the moment when I first admitted to myself that I had a real problem with food and with my weight. That started me off on my first real attempt at life style change. And I lost like 40 lbs, but gained it all back with interest. As it happens, my friend who was sitting next to me that day is also the same person who came out of nowhere and somehow convinced me to get back on the wagon this fall. I have moments when I seriously wonder if she isn't an angel of some sort.
The most recent one of these was about a week ago now at Programwide. It was planned by a wonderful woman who happens to be married to one of my bosses. She is a counselor of some sort for people with drug/alcohol issues. According to her talk, studies have found a brainwave pattern in alcoholics which is not found in non alcoholics. This wave is either balanced or canceled, or something, by the ingestion of alcohol. And here's the kicker. This brainwave is considered to be a medical basis for the insistence by many alcoholics that they only feel "normal" when they are drunk. That without alcohol they just don't feel right in some vague sort of way. And further research has suggested that such a thing exists for other addictions as well.
This hit me like a ton of bricks. Months or maybe even years ago, Liz asked me why I eat the way I do, why I enjoy food so much. And the best answer I could come up with wasn't that food makes me feel good. I don't feel a high from really rich chocolate or particularly yummy dessert, or a fat and salt infused chicken breast. No, I eat those things because I feel normal when I eat them. Like without them something just isn't right with the world.
So no, I doubt I will ever be so good, so faithful, so hardworking in this new lifestyle that I don't have the occasional overwhelming urge to chuck it all overboard and go on a bender. My only hope is that with the help of Liz and my friends I can get past the hard parts. And that when I do slip up, I will be able to find my feet again.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
told you so
So in the past I've been inertia's bitch. Kind of makes sense, what with my size and what not. And this morning I had a relapse of that. But tonight I got off my butt and kept my word to myself. (Thanks Dee and Lisa for the inspiration).
It really does surprise me how much harder the increased incline makes the work on the treadmill. I got in a mile with 60% jogging, but the longest I could do in one stretch was .3 miles. And, let me say that just about killed me. I assume this happens to other people too... but when I am pushing myself extra hard, I sometimes get a ache in the right side of my stomach. I should say I used to, because frankly I haven't pushed myself that hard since highschool soccer practice, until tonight. It was almost pleasant in a weird way. I have never worked that hard just for my own benefit, always before it was because I had someone (soccer coaches to be exact) pushing me to go past my comfort zone. I like to think it means I'm doing everything that I can do.
Today was a odd day in that I stayed under on points, but feel as if I over indulged in food. Just everything I had was fairly low calorie. That happens a lot when I really go overboard on steamed veggies... since they have like no points (well, about one per serving). I end up feeling as full as I would have felt back in my binging days, but with only about a tenth of the calories, if that. As far as I know, such days aren't a problem, so long as I keep my taste for veggies and don't switch back to potato chips!
Liz made a really good treat for me the other day. I don't have the exact recipe, but its basically no sugar cheesecake flavor pudding mixed made up with condensed milk blended with canned pumpkin, with lots of extra cinnamon added for flavor and for fiber. And a whole cup is only 2 points. And I get to have dessert :)
It really does surprise me how much harder the increased incline makes the work on the treadmill. I got in a mile with 60% jogging, but the longest I could do in one stretch was .3 miles. And, let me say that just about killed me. I assume this happens to other people too... but when I am pushing myself extra hard, I sometimes get a ache in the right side of my stomach. I should say I used to, because frankly I haven't pushed myself that hard since highschool soccer practice, until tonight. It was almost pleasant in a weird way. I have never worked that hard just for my own benefit, always before it was because I had someone (soccer coaches to be exact) pushing me to go past my comfort zone. I like to think it means I'm doing everything that I can do.
Today was a odd day in that I stayed under on points, but feel as if I over indulged in food. Just everything I had was fairly low calorie. That happens a lot when I really go overboard on steamed veggies... since they have like no points (well, about one per serving). I end up feeling as full as I would have felt back in my binging days, but with only about a tenth of the calories, if that. As far as I know, such days aren't a problem, so long as I keep my taste for veggies and don't switch back to potato chips!
Liz made a really good treat for me the other day. I don't have the exact recipe, but its basically no sugar cheesecake flavor pudding mixed made up with condensed milk blended with canned pumpkin, with lots of extra cinnamon added for flavor and for fiber. And a whole cup is only 2 points. And I get to have dessert :)
lunch break
Dunno why, but I just could not make myself do my treadmill this morning. So I went in to work a little early, and headed down to the Y during my lunch. Now I need to just grab a quick lunch and head out, cause I've got appointments this afternoon out of town.
I will do my treadmill this evening. I will stay on plan.
I will do my treadmill this evening. I will stay on plan.
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